October 3

This is going to be a really downer of a post. It's just been like that the last few days.

I think we're doing the right things with our kids, but it sure doesn't feel that way today. I printed out a packet for the kids to fill out during general conference. Then I had a little craft ready for something fun to do together between sessions and when they'd finished their packets. But there were fights and tantrums during conference, mostly by Aaron. And then there continues to be fights and messes and tantrums now that conference is over. They liked the craft, but it lasted 10 minutes and now we have cute little pumpkins and ghosts in the middle of a destroyed kitchen. I really pray that when we're old and look back we'll be able to say it was hard, but we were obedient and the kids knew what was important even though it was crazy at the time.

Aaron's tantrums have been bad again. Plus I was tired this week, which meant a horrible couple of days for us. Some days he doesn't ever even talk to me. Every communication is yelling or whining. I feel like nothing is working. His bad tantrums started when he was three. He turns five in two weeks. I've been yelled at for two years. I'm sure I perpetuate things with him though because I'm not as consistent as I should be. Like today, I told the kids they could participate in the craft if they finish their packet. But 3/4 of the way through conference Aaron wasn't finished and didn't want to do it. So then I was faced with a decision like I have most days: do I stick with what I said and not let him do the craft, because that's what I said would be the consequence and then I'd have to deal with a major meltdown and tantrum. Or should I just let him do the craft because it would be easier. So many times I pick the easier way because I just can't put up with another tantrum and some days he would be punished all day long. Thankfully, today, Danny chose to help Aaron finish his packet and Aaron responded well to his help and they got it done so I didn't have to make a choice. But I really feeling like I'm failing that boy a lot of the time. It's a really crappy feeling.

And then Danny and Rachel don't get near the amount of attention they should from me because I'm so drained from dealing with Aaron. So that adds to my guilt. Seth mostly gets enough attention because he's so cute and easy and because he still needs me to do so many things for him. But I worry that once the baby comes, he'll get overlooked a lot because he is so easy-going and because then I'll have a tiny baby and still have Aaron, that will take all my energy.

And I can't breathe, and I'm enormous and tired and sick of not being able to do all the things I want and need to because I'm eight months pregnant. Ok, I think I've complained about everything. Now I can move on. Just keeping it real, I guess.

Conference has been great. A talk I really needed was by Elder Uchtdorf about simplifying our lives and focusing on what's most important, especially when times are hard. I've been thinking about how things are going to be with the new baby and Seth and Aaron, and possibly moving. And I think I'll really need to rely on the advice in that talk during the next few months.

Bob is such an amazing husband. I can't believe how much he does for me and how patient and helpful he is. Even though I've been tired and grumpy so much of the time with this pregnancy.